…hours of music and tens of thousands of words from the last few months on the hard drive just chillin’, going stale and unshared. For a severe pointlessness has taken hold of me, almost physically, like a really muscular guy workin’ his delts by cable rowing my arms away from reaching out to you. I don’t stand a chance; dude’s lats are ripped.
'I'd like to write to you about many things, but first the desire has passed to such a degree, then I sense the pointlessness of it.' - Vincent to his bro Theo
Which is to say, the engine won’t turn over. No motivation to even try. Simply no point. But that’s unfortunately part of the creative process. So is failure and disappointment. And vanishing. I do that a lot. Hell, here are some other essential steps in the wide world of making shit:
Complaining
Whining and complaining (very underrated)
That and being negative (see: whining and complaining)
Putting yourself and your work down
Fuck it, blaming your ancestors
Doubting every move
Succumbing to the yips, the twisties, the jerks
Throwing your work in the trash
Deleting files
Selling your gear
Watching biopics of failed artists like you’re just as talented or something
Researching best dryer balls
Binge eating donuts
Researching how to recover deleted files
Masturbating to near completion before remembering you gotta put your unds in the dryer with your new best dryer balls ‘cause you’ve just been standing there without any fresh unds to wear all day
Desperate panicking over intrusive thoughts re: a life wasted
Pretending you were never interested in the thing you based your whole personality on since puberts
Updating your Letterboxd account instead of anything else
Doing nothing and feeling bad about it
Some other junk… (help me!)
And here is a not very original ‘piece’ of ‘music’ set to an edit of Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master I did for no reason other than to share something, anything. Part of the process, too, is the hope. Hope that it’s possible to restart. Hope that your beacon will be heard. Hope for a port to finally call you in from the storm. See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!
relatable af update, was happy to see ur email in my inbox tho
as always, the music you shared is lovely :)