i honestly relate more to this post than i'd like to admit. i've spent many years toiling away at music (or really toiling away at the *idea* of making music) with nothing to show for it. particularly with the state of my mental health, my persistent exhaustion/lack of motivation, and just general despair at the state of the world, i find myself on the verge of giving up on a weekly basis. i even decide, depending on the day, that none of the hundred or so songs i've worked on (not a single one in a releaseable state) are even worth salvaging. other days, i'll go back over some of my demos and think i have something unique and interesting to share with the world, but without the time, energy, or mental stability needed to really hunker down and finish something for once in my goddamn life, what's the point? talent *is* a casino, that's an analogy i feel in my fuckin' bones. some of the most joyous times i've experienced in my life have been making music. recording for hours and hours at a time, spending the whole day in the studio (which is what i call the decrepit macbook pro set up in my closet), and then a couple days after too. thinking about music practically every minute i'm not recording. getting through most of one song before getting an exciting idea for another and jumping to that. all of this in the course of a few days or a week, finally feeling like i've settled into a groove, like i know how to do it now, like i've got it all figured out, like *this* is how it's going to be from now on.
then it stops. hot streak's over. desperately chasing that high again, to no avail. still being haunted by the steps i had already mapped out to the finish line that are moving further out of reach, as every time i boot up ableton (on the rare occasion i have the energy) it just leads to more frustration and depression, or otherwise i can't even bring myself to pick up an instrument just to prevent my muscle memory from atrophying any further.
the fucked up thing though, is that the desire returns so persistently. sometimes it's seeing other people perform, sometimes it's a spark of inspiration (without a fuse to light, but a spark nonetheless), sometimes it's an earworm that gets lodged in my head which i realize is of my own creation. the passion remains. the passion brings me back. and eventually the hot streak returns, and is spent again. i just wish i knew how to make it last.
A lot can be said about this subject. A tale as old as time! I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and feelings! Not exactly 'glad' you can relate.
I think it’s important for creative people/anyone with a passion they can’t shake to emotionally prepare very early on that it can’t be the one and only thing that gives them meaning and happiness. You put your identity into one thing, and someone runs it over with their Tesla, it’s gonna be a terrible time. BUT I also think it’s cruel to just tell people to expect nothing out of their effort. To dash your dreams and ambitions right out of the gate. I don't think that will be conducive to creating great, interesting work. You kinda need that headlong recklessness. Otherwise what the hell are we doing? If making things is just your way to pass the time after work and not think of death, that's totally fine. But in an ideal world, that category of creative person is completely separate from another where this is serious and worthwhile beyond personal pleasure, and the two shouldn't be treated the same by planet earth, by the collective consciousness.
Maybe I've resisted the idea of being a creative person as my identity precisely to avoid further embarrassment. But I mean it's obvious it's who I am, and it hasn't been the best decision of my life.
I'm not articulating fully but you know what's up. For me personally, the answer is: I don't know. This post isn't anything definitive, just thought I'd share some thoughts I've had in a kind of coherent way!
obviously i can't tell you how to live your life (and i'm sure my account doesn't exactly counteract what feelings you described in your post either) but i would advise against turning away from music entirely. if the passion is gone at this moment, by all means step away. banging your head against the wall trying to make something beautiful is no way to live your life. but don't give up entirely. admittedly this is partially coming from a place of selfishness, because i'm a big fan of your music and i've found inspiration in it. but i also think a despair can make you quite willing to throw something valuable away. take care of yourself, friend.
i honestly relate more to this post than i'd like to admit. i've spent many years toiling away at music (or really toiling away at the *idea* of making music) with nothing to show for it. particularly with the state of my mental health, my persistent exhaustion/lack of motivation, and just general despair at the state of the world, i find myself on the verge of giving up on a weekly basis. i even decide, depending on the day, that none of the hundred or so songs i've worked on (not a single one in a releaseable state) are even worth salvaging. other days, i'll go back over some of my demos and think i have something unique and interesting to share with the world, but without the time, energy, or mental stability needed to really hunker down and finish something for once in my goddamn life, what's the point? talent *is* a casino, that's an analogy i feel in my fuckin' bones. some of the most joyous times i've experienced in my life have been making music. recording for hours and hours at a time, spending the whole day in the studio (which is what i call the decrepit macbook pro set up in my closet), and then a couple days after too. thinking about music practically every minute i'm not recording. getting through most of one song before getting an exciting idea for another and jumping to that. all of this in the course of a few days or a week, finally feeling like i've settled into a groove, like i know how to do it now, like i've got it all figured out, like *this* is how it's going to be from now on.
then it stops. hot streak's over. desperately chasing that high again, to no avail. still being haunted by the steps i had already mapped out to the finish line that are moving further out of reach, as every time i boot up ableton (on the rare occasion i have the energy) it just leads to more frustration and depression, or otherwise i can't even bring myself to pick up an instrument just to prevent my muscle memory from atrophying any further.
the fucked up thing though, is that the desire returns so persistently. sometimes it's seeing other people perform, sometimes it's a spark of inspiration (without a fuse to light, but a spark nonetheless), sometimes it's an earworm that gets lodged in my head which i realize is of my own creation. the passion remains. the passion brings me back. and eventually the hot streak returns, and is spent again. i just wish i knew how to make it last.
A lot can be said about this subject. A tale as old as time! I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and feelings! Not exactly 'glad' you can relate.
I think it’s important for creative people/anyone with a passion they can’t shake to emotionally prepare very early on that it can’t be the one and only thing that gives them meaning and happiness. You put your identity into one thing, and someone runs it over with their Tesla, it’s gonna be a terrible time. BUT I also think it’s cruel to just tell people to expect nothing out of their effort. To dash your dreams and ambitions right out of the gate. I don't think that will be conducive to creating great, interesting work. You kinda need that headlong recklessness. Otherwise what the hell are we doing? If making things is just your way to pass the time after work and not think of death, that's totally fine. But in an ideal world, that category of creative person is completely separate from another where this is serious and worthwhile beyond personal pleasure, and the two shouldn't be treated the same by planet earth, by the collective consciousness.
Maybe I've resisted the idea of being a creative person as my identity precisely to avoid further embarrassment. But I mean it's obvious it's who I am, and it hasn't been the best decision of my life.
I'm not articulating fully but you know what's up. For me personally, the answer is: I don't know. This post isn't anything definitive, just thought I'd share some thoughts I've had in a kind of coherent way!
obviously i can't tell you how to live your life (and i'm sure my account doesn't exactly counteract what feelings you described in your post either) but i would advise against turning away from music entirely. if the passion is gone at this moment, by all means step away. banging your head against the wall trying to make something beautiful is no way to live your life. but don't give up entirely. admittedly this is partially coming from a place of selfishness, because i'm a big fan of your music and i've found inspiration in it. but i also think a despair can make you quite willing to throw something valuable away. take care of yourself, friend.